Eris's blessings

Life has been pretty busy, but good.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 08:54:47 GMT

Kit and I had our fifth anniversary, which we were too busy and sick to even remark upon when it happened. Still, post-anniversary gifts were absolutely awesome. Once a certain christmas present is given, there will be pictures. For now, descriptions will have to do. Kit got me a kick-awesome nerf sniper rifle that disassembles into a carbine and pistol. We're going to mod it to shoot further than the 10 yards it's already spec'ed for. I got her a carved T-rex about 2 ft square from a single block of wood.

Kit also had a birthday and we have Decemberween coming up. There may be some pictures of that stuff, too. We'll see.

Finals went (edit) well. Apparently, I got all A's, but I may need to wait for Saturday for confirmation, which will bring my overall GPA to 3.6. Whoo!

Met some of Dicky's friends and they are cool. We'll see if they actually want to be our friends or are just putting up with me bugging them soon enough, I guess.

Going home to see Kit's family for the first time in months. We're both pretty excited because we really like her family and it's really relaxing at their house. Working a lot, because of Mark's departure, but since I don't have school, it balances out. I hope I'll have some actual time off this summer, because I could use some real time off one day.

Everything's pretty good overall. I'll be trying to graduate Blinn (finally) this semester, and will finally be at least Associates level in my education. Then I'll be transferring to Sam Houston probably. It's a commute, but it's half the price of A&M (if double the price of Blinn). Overall, life's pretty good. Lots of stimulus. We're still alive and together, and that's a lot.

Love to all, like velveteen rabbits.

NaNoWriMo

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 06:32:56 GMT

I won! I won I won I won I won I won!

I wrote over 50000 words in 28 days. I have a full novel that I WROTE that I can edit and maybe one day try to publish. I won NANOWRIMO! With the previous stuff I wrote for this thing, it comes out to about 57,000 words. I have a novel. I wrote a novel. Still tons to do, but I wrote a novel. In a month. I rule!

I rule.

Edit: that's like 600k of text. That's a lot of text. Almost 100 pages.

So much going on.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 06:53:56 GMT

This has been the month of getting things done.

Word count over 40,000. I ought to be able to win NaNoWriMo this year, and I'm very excited. The book turned out different than I thought, but I like it mostly.

Got the struts fixed on Kit's car and cleaned it to the floorboards for the first time in five years (Kit says 3, but I don't think so, or at least not to this level of clean). Got a new roof as previously mentioned.

In the area of media making me so happy I feel like I should cry (thanks to Kit's pointing things out): I'm not normally a huge fan of pro wrestling. I know it's theater nerds who work out and I like certain actors involved, but one in particular I've always liked for his fractured and very human characters was Mick Foley. Having seen him speak in defense of gay rights on the Daily Show was just fantastic. He has earned my love probably forever.

Also, I am now certain that Eris is messing with me particularly. Kit and I were excited to be visiting her family this winter break. It had been all semester and we just hadn't had time. We had planned to go and spend the week between graduation and Christmas, but work again reared it's ugly head. One of my employees needs a month off. He knows he may not have a job when he comes back. The reason? Not because his family is sick...

It's because he has to go back to an arranged marriage. They'll get married, be together for three weeks, she'll go back to being a nuclear physicist and he'll come back here. Yeah.

Man, this fall has been busy.

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:27:18 GMT

It's about halfway through Nanowrimo, and I'm about 5,000 words short so far. Still, 22,000 is more writing than I've sat down and done on any one project that I can think of, so there's that. The book is turning out pretty well, though I have to keep skipping around to keep it interesting (to write). I'll probably reorder it when I edit.

Classes are all going pretty good for once. I've got two high Bs and one A, and I might be able to turn those Bs into As if I keep at it the whole semester. I've got a 3.4 GPA and only need 2 more classes that I'm taking in the Spring to finally be done with the Associates. Yes, I'm terribly old to only be that far, but I've made my mistakes when I was young enough to enjoy them and haven't made too terribly many (school wise) in the last few years. Now that I have a 'real job', I'm going to transfer to a four year school, probably Sam Houston, and start working on my dream job of being a high school teacher. The classes this semester have been both empowering and depressing. It's weird. I had kind of stopped thinking of myself as 'smart' and started thinking of myself as perceptive, but I am smarter than some people. Not going to let it go to my head, though.

Thanks to mom, I have a new roof, which is a major load off my mind. I wish all the problems with the house were so easily fixed, but I know eventually, this will all be done, and having such a major one crossed off makes me feel better. Wish that I could communicate better with her, as most of our problems are based off that, it seems. I don't think anyone likes to be told that they are saying one thing and doing another, though, so that probably fucks with it, too.

May see of anyone wants to look at my 'book' when I'm done. It won't be 'finished', of course, till NaNoEdMo, but... it's an interesting story so far.

Love you all, like singular roses and velveteen rabbits. I apologize for my absence. Just been super busy and likely to remain that way through November.

I know I should be beyond grade-school affirmations...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 01:48:48 GMT

but is it ok that I console myself that he will be a washed-up roadie who failed to be a rockstar constantly trying to name-drop and I will be teaching his children?

Had a really gruesome dream.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:47:21 GMT

It was about some golden age 1920s superheroes. One of them was formerly in a bad guy team, but he had reformed and was fighting those really bad mobs from that time period. The other one, my perspective, was a heroine whose main task it was to clean up and patch up the heroes so that they could survive their often horrible wounds, but also to make certain no matter how they died, that their spirits passed pure into the next world. The reformed guy was protecting a girl who'd witnessed a mob hit and he got attacked by this mob enforcer that used like half of one of those big saw blades with a handhold cut into the middle. He was horribly hurt, and I got there way too late. It was just horrible.

Sometimes it's hard to have interesting dreams.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:16:08 GMT

Someone stole my mom's email address this morning. With some quick manuevering, I retrieved it after only a single attempt to get my mom's friend's to send money to someplace in England. Still, what the fuck, right?

Also, I got a call in class and I had forgotten to turn off the phone, so while I wrestled with the phone to get it to shut up, I answered and hung up on the call. The number (I tried later to call back) was disconnected. The number is apparently in Mississippi. Hope it's not one of my old friends in trouble. Still... Weird.

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:00:58 GMT

Following Kit's example, I took the fabled Proust Questionnaire (http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/proust-questionnaire) .

Comparison's to famous people:

Martin Scorsese 89.81
Julia Child 86.93
Oscar de la Renta 71.82
Karl Rove 34.51
Nora Ephron 10
Bill O'Reilly 10
Arnold Schwarzenegger 10
Alan Ginsberg 8.33

NaNoWriMo

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 01:58:20 GMT

It's almost time. Kit's been talking about it a while, but I just caught the bug. Last year, I got depressed halfway through because people kept comparing my novel to Left Behind... even if it was a favorable comparison, it was still depressing. Anyway, this year I'm going to write the novel with no care to whether it will be published or not. I'm just going to write the damn thing. Even though the idea has become a bit trendy since I came up with it, I'm writing it.

Anyone else doing National Novel Writing Month?

I wish I could talk some sense into my town.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:22:22 GMT

So... the president is coming tomorrow... and the people who got us on national news at election time for their racist bullshit are going to be protesting a thing he's showing up at to forward public service. Yup... people are protesting helping people. I have rarely been so ashamed of where I live.

Right now, mostly.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 08:53:14 GMT

I talked to someone who didn't understand today, and it was good. Sometimes it's good to be around someone who's still awed by all the shit I've been through and all the weird ways my life chooses to manifest the strangeness of the world.

I've been sort of messed up over how much the Divine, however one might wish to name it, chooses to interfere directly in my life. I've realized Its part in this most recent cataclysmic (to my life, at least) event and understand the reasoning. She moves in mysterious ways. The recent consolation I've come up with is that even though I'm a pawn of a greater power, at least I'm a pawn of something interesting. Lots of people are pawns of their parents, their jobs, their schools, or their chosen cult (religious, military, political). At least mine is an entertaining master and at least I can see the effects of my work in the world around me.

Most recently, I've felt frustrated at a metaphysical thing. I've worked some to 'prevent' certain things from happening. Usually, it's just a feeling and then I work to shift things to happen a certain way. A lot of people probably think it's in my head, and while that's certainly a possibility, I really don't have any doubts. There's been enough collective evidence for me that it's really much harder to believe I'm not affected so. The only thing that bothers me with prevention is that there's not much to show for it. If you succeed in preventing someone from going down the road to ruin, the only thing you have to show for it is that they didn't go down it ... this time. And so a lot of my work seems illusory after the fact. I know it's there, but no one else really does.

It all mostly adds up to a feeling of loneliness. Don't get me wrong... I'm not really alone. There's Kit, who is most definitely fantastic, a life partner without peer. There's Travis, my hetero lifemate and basically the Sancho Panza to my ever present Don Quixote. Even my recent closeness with my mom has been quite pleasant, but even with a few friends I'm still feeling alone. I already had a number of metaphysical distances from people I knew. I already had the absolute certainty in the divine completely separating me from most non-lunatics. School is full of people who are... mostly less than me. I would have hated myself for saying that not too long ago, but they're less not intrinsically, but because they choose to be. They choose to be lazy, they choose to be stupid. A long time ago, I felt empowered some when I was around people who weren't as smart as I am. Now it just makes me depressed.

School is prgressing. Work is finally good at the manager level, but now I'm having subordinate issues. Home is mostly good, though there are looming issues in the 'repair' area.

I'll live. Love you all, even if you don't hear me anymore.

A piece of pretty.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:40:39 GMT

So... I'm taking an astrophysics course. It's taught by a Doctor of Physics by the name of Freeman. If you don't know, the primary character of the video game Half-Life is a Physicisy by the name of Dr. Freeman. It's been a point of personal joy between me and Kit since we started the class. We make Half-Life jokes about him and it's awesome.

Yesterday, I told him about the other Dr. Freeman and the physics engine of the HalfLife games and more specifically, I talked up Portal. He'd never heard of it. Kit was saying beforehand that he was certain to have had geeky gameplaying students that would have told him about the whole 'Dr. Freeman' thing and the physics engine of Portal. He was unaware and said that he plays video games. He's going to check them out. He also teaches regular physics. I wouldn't be surprised if Portal changed his curriculum a little. I always feel awesome when I affect a teacher, not only because I love exchange, but because the best teachers learn and teach. And it's soooo cool.

This was poorly told. Still, awesome. Thanks, guys.

Sooo much going on.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 01:48:12 GMT

Weirdly enough, school and work has mostly been enough to steal my time. I still miss having regular friends, but I almost don't have time for them anyway.

Despite that lack of time, trying to build up a friendbase. I'm pretty sure my attempt at movie night this weekend is going to be mostly a bust, but for the few who have said they'll be there, I'm still doing it.

Work has been hard, but hopefully my replacement of one of the problem members of my crew will make it less of a problem in the future. Yay, optimism! School is mostly good. I'm up way too late on MW, but I'll fix that next semester. Astrophysics has been pretty awesome, and I'm actually looking forward to checking out one of those huge telescopes for my 'service learning project'. Writing has suffered in the specific, but ideas are all still there, and I'm still working on how to tell the stories that already exist in my head. Had a few major breakthroughs there.

Really really could use some more people in my life. It's not really so much a lament as a realization. I'm used to more than a few friends. I'm hungry for it. I should make time. There are interesting people. I just need to make time.

Oh, well. At least I'm being productive.

Work

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 16:33:08 GMT

Work has kept me incredibly busy these last few weeks. The rest of my life is going in a steadily upward direction, generally.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the sacrifices I'm required to make for my new position. When I was working low on the totem pole, I was allowed to have ethics that were my own. I don't really consider myself a 'moral' person, as I'm not particularly inherently good nor do I subscribe to a particular code (that is not of my own devising), but I do attempt to hold myself to an ethical code... a set of rules not dictated by 'good' or 'right', but by their efficiency and correctness. There's a big difference between 'right' and 'correct' in my mind, but that's a whole other conversation.

Anyway, despite the fact that I got a huge raise and am making more money than I've made in my life, I'm seriously considering seeking alternative employment. I won't find another job like this. Hell, this job was made for me. But when money comes over the equality of the rights of our guests and also over people's potential safety, that's when I rethink things. I take my own responsibility for the hotels overnight very seriously.

There is another option, though I'm not sure I would be able to do it, especially in the long term. I could stop trying so hard. I could start treating this like 'just a job' and do the bare minimum, and not really take it personally when my managers are sneaky cheating conniving money-grubbing assholes. Sadly, my respect for my direct supervisor is also waning, as he seems unwilling to stand up to... well, anyone. Oh, well. My life is mostly good. I just wish my beliefs weren't being challenged so at work. I was already forced to reconsider three deeply held beliefs this year. Isn't that enough?

Also, your mother is fantastic in the sack.

Love.

I know this means something, but I'm not sure what.

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 07:45:23 GMT

I was just reading something on the internet when I realized my naked dreams are backwards from other people. Not sex dreams, naked dreams. According to lore I have no way of verifying, lots of people have dreams in which they are doing something they are nervous about, usually some sort of public speaking, and then someone points out that they are naked or in underwear or something, and they suddenly realize they are, and everyone starts laughing (or something). Anyway, for most people, supposedly, they don't realize they are naked until someone point it out (like not falling until you look down, a la Looney Tunes).

Mine are backwards. I spend an entire dream acutely aware of my nakedness, trying to hide behind things, find clothes, etc, but no one seems to notice. Everyone interacts with me as if everything is normal. I'll be at work or at school or whatever, and I'll be trying to hide the fact that I'm naked and people don't even seem to notice. But then someone notices, and they just kind of treat me like I just got undressed while they were turned around and that I'm creepy.

I'm sure this means something, but I just don't know what.

Also, work sucks incredibly hard. I'm a terrible burden on Kit, who desperately tries to be helpful despite my snarlyness, and I'm super-frustrated. It will get better. I'm certain of this, but it's hard to clench my teeth in the now, even knowing that.

A little weirded out.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:46:28 GMT

My dreams had a weird sprinkling of political figures today.

The first one was ok, if weird. Barack Obama joined my gaming group, and not in an 'Al Gore - I'm a tenth level vice-president' kind of way. He was totally into it, and the secret service kept trying to help him play and he was getting pissed. And then Michelle Obama kept insisting Warhammer had a better system. It was pretty weird.

Then, somehow, I had Glen Beck trying to seduce me to Christianity with a bevy of teenage christian girls at a weird rally. He was reasonably friendly, kept trying to tell me jokes but kept trailing off at the end, like he really wanted to be friends, but realized all of his jokes were offensive. The last 'innormatives' (what he was calling me, I guess) were like plaster. I never got the punchline because Summer kept interrupting. I have no idea what he was going to say.

Love and hate.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 07:46:12 GMT

Supervillain essay 2.

Many people think that love and hate are mutually exclusive, that they are opposites. This simply isn't the case. As a matter of fact, the two are so similar, it's sometimes hard to distinguish between the two at all. I know this is obvious for many of you out there, but bear with me.

Both require tremendous amounts of energy and investment. Both require a rather extreme focus, generally on a specific person or group of people. Both are generally long term feelings that refuse to fade long after any reason for having them.

Actually, the two generally are easier when they go together, like two flavors that compliment each other. I don't mean to say that one should love and hate the same person, although that does happen fairly often. More, I think it's easier to love a person if you hate something about them. It can be something as simple as their taste in clothing or music, or something as complex as their relationship with their family or their image of themselves. There is nothing like hating an aspect of a person that will make you passionately love some other aspect of them. I don't know if it's because they are more humanized to you or because hatred and love just go so well together.

So... I guess 'love the sinner, hate the sin'.

I guess, though I don't know how much of this is useful in practice, that one could also love a certain group more by hating another group. I've heard tell of supremacist groups like that, and a few of the dispossessed I've know have said something like this. Still, most people I know who try to hate do it as foolishly and haphazardly as others love. People do not hate well.

A stupid person I used to know said one smart thing in the entire time I knew him. At this point, I'm certain he was quoting something. It was "You should never kill your enemies. You invest too much in them."

I think the thing that most bothers me about hating and loving is how poorly they are executed. Love is a glorious thing, and wonderful, but most people don't think about it, don't do it well. They are haphazard in their application of love, withholding it for no reason and applying a conditional aspect to something that truly is without condition.

*sigh* I've gone on way too long. Maybe I'll try to refine this thought later.

Sadly very late, but still interesting.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 08:41:39 GMT

I didn't see that any of my friends posted this.

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary

___________________________________________________________
For Immediate Release June 1, 2009

LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH, 2009
- - - - - - -
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

Forty years ago, patrons and supporters of the Stonewall Inn in New York City resisted police harassment that had become all too common for members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community. Out of this resistance, the LGBT rights movement in America was born. During LGBT Pride Month, we commemorate the events of June 1969 and commit to achieving equal justice under law for LGBT Americans.

LGBT Americans have made, and continue to make, great and lasting contributions that continue to strengthen the fabric of American society. There are many well-respected LGBT leaders in all professional fields, including the arts and business communities. LGBT Americans also mobilized the Nation to respond to the domestic HIV/AIDS epidemic and have played a vital role in broadening this country's response to the HIV pandemic.

Due in no small part to the determination and dedication of the LGBT rights movement, more LGBT Americans are living their lives openly today than ever before. I am proud to be the first President to appoint openly LGBT candidates to Senate-confirmed positions in the first 100 days of an Administration. These individuals embody the best qualities we seek in public servants, and across my Administration -- in both the White House and the Federal agencies -- openly LGBT employees are doing their jobs with distinction and professionalism.

The LGBT rights movement has achieved great progress, but there is more work to be done. LGBT youth should feel safe to learn without the fear of harassment, and LGBT families and seniors should be allowed to live their lives with dignity and respect.

My Administration has partnered with the LGBT community to advance a wide range of initiatives. At the international level, I have joined efforts at the United Nations to decriminalize homosexuality around the world. Here at home, I continue to support measures to bring the full spectrum of equal rights to LGBT Americans. These measures include enhancing hate crimes laws, supporting civil unions and Federal rights for LGBT couples, outlawing discrimination in the workplace, ensuring adoption rights, and ending the existing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in a way that strengthens our Armed Forces and our national security. We must also commit ourselves to fighting the HIV/AIDS epidemic by both reducing the number of HIV infections and providing care and support services to people living with HIV/AIDS across the United States.

These issues affect not only the LGBT community, but also our entire Nation. As long as the promise of equality for all remains unfulfilled, all Americans are affected. If we can work together to advance the principles upon which our Nation was founded, every American will benefit. During LGBT Pride Month, I call upon the LGBT community, the Congress, and the American people to work together to promote equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim June 2009 as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Pride Month. I call upon the people of the United States to turn back discrimination and prejudice everywhere it exists.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third.

BARACK OBAMA

Discernment (or the value of judgement)

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 08:38:00 GMT

Supervillain essay 1.

Judgement has become a bad word. Whether in the oft-misquoted 'judge not' (quoted even more often at me by the non-Christians I know than the Christians) or in the modern political correct movement, judgement has become a negative thing. How dare we presume one thing might be better than another? How dare we presume that we should be allowed to classify things by their characteristics?

Taken to it's logical extreme, it becomes obvious why this doesn't work. It is obvious to any reasoning person that an adult should not be permitted to have sex with a child. Why? Because the child lacks the ability to rightfully judge what will be good for them in the future. When offered a cool glass of Windex, we rightfully judge that it would be a bad idea to drink it. Judgement is a part of every action we take. We weigh our options and using judgement, decide whether or not to do something. This is judgement. We exercise good judgement. We decide that taking a ride with someone who's been drinking all day might not be such a good plan. We decide that having sex without a condom might be a bad idea. We decide that we might not want to leave our children with a creepy guy from down the street.

Judgement is what keeps up alive. More important, judgement is what makes us human.

Sometimes one thing is better than another. Sometimes it's not. No one skin color is better than another. Unfair judgement is what is giving judgement a bad name. Unfair judgement is stupid. That is a judgement. I just called it stupid.

Some religions are dumb or horrible. They may be correct (I don't know), but they can be dumb or horrible. People may have a right to follow a dumb or horrible religion, but that doesn't mean it's not dumb or horrible.

And it is our right to judge. We may not have a right to impress that judgement upon others, but it is our right and responsibility to judge others. To judge them as noble hard-working people that we can trust, or to judge them as shifty, trifling folk who we wouldn't trust to mow our lawns. We have a responsibility to judge situations to avoid hurting those we love and even those we don't know. We have a responsibility to judge when our friends have had too much and are no longer safe to drive home, and may end up hurting someone other than themselves.

We have a right to judge who we teach, who we associated with, who we love. We must decide these things, and the only way to make an informed decision is to judge.

Judgement is not in defiance of love. It is a responsibility of it.

I love you all. Hard.

Reinvention.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 08:21:48 GMT

I'm beginning to notice a rather extreme pattern in my life.

Almost every four years (going back even to my conception), something happens to me and I am forced to reinvent myself. It happened at 3, 7, 11, 15, 19, 23, 27, and now at 31. I generally lose something very important to me and have to compensate, thus recreating my world view. Usually that's a girlfriend. Something severe and traumatic (and life-changing) has happened on each of those years. It's usually just when I'm getting comfortable with my last re-creation, too.

This time, it's the loss of a friendgroup that had become super important to me. I have since realized a few things that make it hard to regret the situation that caused me to lose that friendgroup, but I am now having to reinvent myself again.

Some things are obvious changes. I have reconsidered some life-long beliefs and found them not so abhorent as they used to be. I find I must accept them, at least logically. Others are less obvious and more derivative.

Aaaaaanyway, I'm going to acknowledge a part of my self I have often attempted to deny in my attempt to be a 'good person'. I have often had what I call a 'supervillain' mentality, and it makes more and more sense to me. I'm going to be writing some 'supervillain' essays here.

Thanks for listening.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 07:07:21 GMT

If there is anything I like less than cleaning up after drunks, I don't know what it is.

Addendum: There is one thing less. Listening to people say 'sorry about the mess' as they go to make another one nearby.

Differences and similarities between me and skeptics I know.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 22:08:22 GMT

First off, I know I've been posting a lot lately. I will not be surprised or upset if I'm removed from some friends' lists as a result. I'm going through a mental and vaguely spiritual rebirth, as I am wont to do every so often, usually when I lose a partner, but it's always a messy process. This time I just happened to hold on to the partner through the rebirth.

Anyway, I'm trying to muse more here than not here, mostly because I have fewer people to muse to outside of here.

Every skeptic I know finds me exhausting. I have to admit that some of this is intentional. One of the ways I learn about things is by making ignorant statements to get people who've thought more, studied more, or simply know more than me to explain things I don't understand. Before you go telling me how horrible this is, it's a hell of a lot more common than people think. I'm just honest with myself and others about it. Also, they tend to get frustrated when we add up the same numbers and get a different answer. To them, the math is self-evident, but to me it looks like they missed some variables. Anyway, despite the fact that I love and am loved by several self-proclaimed skeptics, we generally are pleasantly infuriated with one another (well, I'm 'pleasantly', because sometimes it's fun to argue with friends, as long as nothing's on the line. It's not like we're likely to prove or disprove the existance of the divine or the afterlife or whatever).

Aaaaanyway... Most of the skeptics I know believe that there are answers... and that we'll eventually, barring heatdeath or self-annihilation, get them. I don't. Now, while a great deal of this particular argument is semantic, and some of it is built to get a rise out of certain people, this is mostly because, on the off chance we ever got to that point, 'we' wouldn't be 'us'. We'd be something completely different, so 'we' wouldn't have the answers. I know, right? Frustrating. Still, it cuts through a lot of the bullshit (read as 'fun') arguments that we start at. Also, quite simply, I don't think we deserve the answers. Now, this isn't based on some specific and arbitrary moral code. I just think that people who get smug when they're right about what band was playing on the radio don't deserve the answers to the big questions. Maybe that's completely arbitrary on my part, so I guess I was lying in the previous statement. Self-justification after the fact is another pretty serious argument against us getting 'the' answers. We don't deserve the answers, and if we ever did... well, we just wouldn't be 'us'.

Now, here's where I'm completely misunderstood most often. I still think we should seek answers. Just because you won't get to eat the apples doesn't mean you shouldn't plant the tree. I think that the seeking is a good important thing. I just don't think we should expect that we get the answers. That's just hubris.

Love like that given velveteen rabbits.

Thoughtful

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:55:35 GMT

Lots of books make me feel thoughtful, but three specifically, no matter how I'm feeling before I pick them up, send me into full-on philosopher mode. They are, in no particular order Douglas and Hofstadters' "Godel, Escher, Bach", Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", and the Illuminatus Trilogy (counts as one, because I've only ever had copies of the omnibus).

I can pick up any of these, open to a random page, and be given something to think about for a long while afterward. It's weird. I wonder what that says about me?

So.... life reclaiming.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 11:48:57 GMT

Many things have changed this year, and as soon as the new hotel is opened, the dead wood is cleared, and the new people are trained, I'm going to make a concerted effort to reclaim our life.

There are certain friends which were fixtures that we hung several bits of happiness on that are no longer present, and it's been very hard to not have those fixtures there, no matter how uncomfortable they might have been all along. We were accustomed to them. They're gone. We're pretty much past it at this point, but there's been nothing to fill in the hole. It's almost as if we've been scared to.

Not that our life has been empty, mind. It's just been more hermitlike. Kit and I have had a rennaisance of just spending time laying about together, playing video games and watching great and crappy tv by turns. It's been good, but the house still looms dirty, and projects still wait undone, while we fill the hours between the many demands of my work with idle fun. I want to be more active.

There are some friends I do want to reclaim, but it's hard to find a way for two varying busy schedules to synch up. I suppose there's no real rush, but I feel as if I'm ignoring a part of my life. The rest has been nice, but I want to do more, build up my steam again, be productive in something other than my work. As soon as work is better... I promise.

Endowed Shard 6

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 06:24:33 GMT

Finally, a beginning.

My therapist said I should start keeping a journal. I don’t know much about journals except that they’re big with teenagers and kind of like blogs. I didn’t have a normal teen experience. I think that journals are supposed to be like people you meet, only you tell them all the biggest secrets first… so exactly not like people you meet, really. Still, you’re supposed to introduce yourself.

My name is Alex Batch. I am a struggling journalist. I like beer, women with blue eyes, and playing pool. I’m Endowed.
That was harder than I thought it would be.

I wouldn’t really call what I have a superpower… more like an extra-ordinary power. I’m told that duplication is a pretty rare power, but rare does not mean super. I can make lots of copies of myself. It’s great when you’re somewhere private and have a big ‘normal people’ job to do. Painting a house when there’s no one around… searching through a bunch of information… I guess it would even be useful for fighting, some. I mean, I’m not tougher as multiple people than as just one… it’s just that there’s more moderately out of shape guys to get through. There’s strength in numbers, but I wouldn’t be of much use as a superhero. I doubt even two dozen of me could hold down Titaness, and I can’t fly or survive anything a normal human can’t. The only plus is that no matter how many of me ‘die’, if there’s one left, I’m still alive. The physics don’t make sense, even to a super-scientist, so definitely don’t ask me. The powers would still be pretty cool if I was an athlete or a stud or something. You know, go on multiple dates in the same night, or be a crime-fighting team all by myself. I’m not, though. I get to read a lot, because everything one of me reads, all of me knows. Still, I don’t have that great of a memory, so I’m not super-science material. Mostly I use my endowment for fact-checking. How noble is that? I mean, I guess if I had been on a presidential fact-finding squad, we might not have invaded Iraq, but we probably would have. Anyway, not super… just extra-ordinary.
That’s enough crushing honesty for now.

Alex closed the paper journal and locked the laughably simple lock on it. If he was worried about security, he wouldn’t have written it down in the first place. He was a nobody and he knew it. He vowed superficially that if he ever became a somebody, he’d destroy it, knowing that would never happen. He was destined for, at most, high-level mediocrity. He sighed and dialed the number for take-out.