Eris's blessings

Being happy kills my online life.

2010-03-21T10:05:03Z

Most people who are distant I rarely talk to anymore. I don't write thought provoking stuff here, because I have an intelligent person to discuss it with at home. It's mostly just tiny updates of what I'm doing. That has to be boring. I honestly wish I was either OCD or egotistical enough to type in all the things that are stimulating me lately, because that would lead to conversation.

That's what I miss most about that last group of friends. I would stir myself specifically to go out and see them. My current friends, who I still love, are either just as homebody as me or are only worth a major effort some of the time. God, I am an egotistical jackass.

MeNoWriMo has got me down. that's why I'm being like this. My current story has a great setting, great characters, even a decent plot, but it's... it's like it doesn't have a shadow. Do any of you writers out there know what I mean? The story is so huge, it should be connected to something. It should be an allegory, but even though there are parts in it that are easily and tremendously allegorical, it lacks a unifying one. Some people I know are so confident of my storytelling they can't help. Others are offended by the fairly blasphemous content of this particular story. I have trouble getting hard feedback on this one. It's just frustrating.

On the plus side, though, I've decided to try scriptfrenzy this year, though I have no idea if I'll be able to do it. Unlike most writers, I've never really given thought to writing a movie or play. It's never been something I've wanted to do. I've always been in plays, not writing them. I've already got a pretty interesting plot, too, I think.

Anyone out there want to help me through my block? Kit tries, and is awesome, but she's been hearing about the story too long and understands it too well to give me anything fresh.

Even if not, I love you guys. Truly I do.

Work bitching.

2010-03-13T09:56:08Z

I really hate that people think that paying a discount price for a hotel room gives them the right to be loud enough to wake up half the people on their floor... or think that because they are not sleeping and can survive on 'beer and fuckin' that other people can... or want to hear that last after seeing them in far too little clothes.

Ugh.

Life's still good, but having three dozen drunk bow hunters, one of whom is just a ridiculous asshole is a bit frustrating.

A happy realization.

2010-03-11T22:52:51Z

I'm not doing anything all that special for my birthday, at least not right now, but a realization I had earlier this week is pretty amazing. Everyday is like my birthdays used to be. Most days, I spend a little time with people who I care about and who are worth spending time with. Every day, I get to play some video games and eat food I like. Some days, I buy things simply because I want them, and I do my best not to feel guilty about that. I'm working toward my dream of being a high school english teacher and am making steady headway on that. I have a job that I am good at, and that generally requires fairly little of me. I'm making enough money to be able to go to school next fall at the more expensive Sam Houston University, with a minor commute. I've got plenty to read, almost enough time to sleep, plenty to think about. I've finished wtiting (if not editing) one novel and am working on a second. Sure, there are friends I wish I could see more often, but it's kind of always been that way. And maybe one day I will get to spend more time with those people and take trips to meet other people. The world has so many wonderful possibilities these days. Not to mention how amazing Kit is.

She got me more Snapple Lemonade delivered all the way from a deli in New York. They don't sell it anywhere down here, and I was craving some. Anyway, that plus the first two seasons of the muppet Show and books, and I'm doing pretty well. I do love you all, even if we do not speak, and I hope that you're all well. I am. Thank you. You contribute to my happiness.

Birthday.

2010-03-10T13:04:33Z

Everyone's been bugging me about it, so I finally decided what I wanted to do, and I trust you guys to help if you happen to be the one randomly selected to. If you are the randomly selected friend, you will wake up in a Batman costume tied to a chair, Kit and I will be dressed as the Joker and Harley Quinn. Your part is simple. Simply say 'I'm Batman!' or 'Where's the girl?!' in response to every question. This will insure a happy birthday for me. Thank you for your possible help.

I can't wait to do my Harley Quinn voice.

MeNoWriMo

2010-03-01T07:20:52Z

I'm doing a personal writing month, along with Kit. The goal is another 50,000 words by months end. I'm looking to finish another of the four novels that stand completed in my head. There are another dozen tha aren't, but those aren't as bothersome as the ones to which I already know the end.

Tons of stimulus. Books, movies, video games, rpgs. Running a AU Age of Exploration Scion game. That's right, players are children of gods in a world in which men are forbidden from being on boats with sails. You may recognize the world from one of those upcoming novels. Anyway, pirates with god powers in the age of exploration! Woo.

Also, 500 words. Will probably make a sticky with word count. Literary adventure! (Edit) 1,221 words.

Love you all.

Haven't caught up on reading, but since I've been nudged thrice...

2010-02-15T16:48:57Z

Hello. Life is mostly good. Just been super busy with non-online life.

Have had to pick up new kitten Jupiter six times in the space of the last sentence to stop him from attacking keyboard and fingers.

Zack, who I hadn't seen in years, dragged me into Warhammer 40k. Just finished Mass Effect 2. Work is still good. Have finished reading about a dozen books since the new year. I'm in my last semester of junior college. Should finally have my associates in May, then will be transferring to Sam Houston and commuting. Doing a Me NoWriMo in March, I think. Decided I'm going to try to get all four of the full novels in my head comitted to epaper this year. No promises on editing. (Whew. Jupiter finally rediscovered his food, roughly tripling my typing ability) First, I'm just going to get them all out. Saw Ross and Photi Styx at Aggiecon. Just about the only good thing at Aggiecon, sadly. Going to have lunch and a movie with mom today.

Everything is mostly wonderful right now. Just busy with one thing and another. Hope everyone is doing well and will try to catch up on reading when there isn't an assault kitty hanging on my every word. Love you all.

Well...

2009-12-27T11:44:27Z

I've now been told I'm a good ear by... hmm, three ex girlfriends, two people who've tried (thankfully unsuccessfully) to kill me, two people who've tried to rob me, and at least a dozen people who've tried to convert me. Most of those people, I never thought I would see again, and then they all showed back up. I admit it, ok? I still have a crazy life. Now, can we cool it for at least another little bit.

Jim Croce.

2009-12-27T05:45:34Z

Jim Croce music reminds me of a very specific time in my life.

Life has been pretty busy, but good.

2009-12-18T08:54:47Z

Kit and I had our fifth anniversary, which we were too busy and sick to even remark upon when it happened. Still, post-anniversary gifts were absolutely awesome. Once a certain christmas present is given, there will be pictures. For now, descriptions will have to do. Kit got me a kick-awesome nerf sniper rifle that disassembles into a carbine and pistol. We're going to mod it to shoot further than the 10 yards it's already spec'ed for. I got her a carved T-rex about 2 ft square from a single block of wood.

Kit also had a birthday and we have Decemberween coming up. There may be some pictures of that stuff, too. We'll see.

Finals went (edit) well. Apparently, I got all A's, but I may need to wait for Saturday for confirmation, which will bring my overall GPA to 3.6. Whoo!

Met some of Dicky's friends and they are cool. We'll see if they actually want to be our friends or are just putting up with me bugging them soon enough, I guess.

Going home to see Kit's family for the first time in months. We're both pretty excited because we really like her family and it's really relaxing at their house. Working a lot, because of Mark's departure, but since I don't have school, it balances out. I hope I'll have some actual time off this summer, because I could use some real time off one day.

Everything's pretty good overall. I'll be trying to graduate Blinn (finally) this semester, and will finally be at least Associates level in my education. Then I'll be transferring to Sam Houston probably. It's a commute, but it's half the price of A&M (if double the price of Blinn). Overall, life's pretty good. Lots of stimulus. We're still alive and together, and that's a lot.

Love to all, like velveteen rabbits.

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-29T06:32:56Z

I won! I won I won I won I won I won!

I wrote over 50000 words in 28 days. I have a full novel that I WROTE that I can edit and maybe one day try to publish. I won NANOWRIMO! With the previous stuff I wrote for this thing, it comes out to about 57,000 words. I have a novel. I wrote a novel. Still tons to do, but I wrote a novel. In a month. I rule!

I rule.

Edit: that's like 600k of text. That's a lot of text. Almost 100 pages.

So much going on.

2009-11-27T06:53:56Z

This has been the month of getting things done.

Word count over 40,000. I ought to be able to win NaNoWriMo this year, and I'm very excited. The book turned out different than I thought, but I like it mostly.

Got the struts fixed on Kit's car and cleaned it to the floorboards for the first time in five years (Kit says 3, but I don't think so, or at least not to this level of clean). Got a new roof as previously mentioned.

In the area of media making me so happy I feel like I should cry (thanks to Kit's pointing things out): I'm not normally a huge fan of pro wrestling. I know it's theater nerds who work out and I like certain actors involved, but one in particular I've always liked for his fractured and very human characters was Mick Foley. Having seen him speak in defense of gay rights on the Daily Show was just fantastic. He has earned my love probably forever.

Also, I am now certain that Eris is messing with me particularly. Kit and I were excited to be visiting her family this winter break. It had been all semester and we just hadn't had time. We had planned to go and spend the week between graduation and Christmas, but work again reared it's ugly head. One of my employees needs a month off. He knows he may not have a job when he comes back. The reason? Not because his family is sick...

It's because he has to go back to an arranged marriage. They'll get married, be together for three weeks, she'll go back to being a nuclear physicist and he'll come back here. Yeah.

Man, this fall has been busy.

2009-11-17T20:27:18Z

It's about halfway through Nanowrimo, and I'm about 5,000 words short so far. Still, 22,000 is more writing than I've sat down and done on any one project that I can think of, so there's that. The book is turning out pretty well, though I have to keep skipping around to keep it interesting (to write). I'll probably reorder it when I edit.

Classes are all going pretty good for once. I've got two high Bs and one A, and I might be able to turn those Bs into As if I keep at it the whole semester. I've got a 3.4 GPA and only need 2 more classes that I'm taking in the Spring to finally be done with the Associates. Yes, I'm terribly old to only be that far, but I've made my mistakes when I was young enough to enjoy them and haven't made too terribly many (school wise) in the last few years. Now that I have a 'real job', I'm going to transfer to a four year school, probably Sam Houston, and start working on my dream job of being a high school teacher. The classes this semester have been both empowering and depressing. It's weird. I had kind of stopped thinking of myself as 'smart' and started thinking of myself as perceptive, but I am smarter than some people. Not going to let it go to my head, though.

Thanks to mom, I have a new roof, which is a major load off my mind. I wish all the problems with the house were so easily fixed, but I know eventually, this will all be done, and having such a major one crossed off makes me feel better. Wish that I could communicate better with her, as most of our problems are based off that, it seems. I don't think anyone likes to be told that they are saying one thing and doing another, though, so that probably fucks with it, too.

May see of anyone wants to look at my 'book' when I'm done. It won't be 'finished', of course, till NaNoEdMo, but... it's an interesting story so far.

Love you all, like singular roses and velveteen rabbits. I apologize for my absence. Just been super busy and likely to remain that way through November.

I know I should be beyond grade-school affirmations...

2009-11-04T01:48:48Z

but is it ok that I console myself that he will be a washed-up roadie who failed to be a rockstar constantly trying to name-drop and I will be teaching his children?

Had a really gruesome dream.

2009-10-25T23:47:21Z

It was about some golden age 1920s superheroes. One of them was formerly in a bad guy team, but he had reformed and was fighting those really bad mobs from that time period. The other one, my perspective, was a heroine whose main task it was to clean up and patch up the heroes so that they could survive their often horrible wounds, but also to make certain no matter how they died, that their spirits passed pure into the next world. The reformed guy was protecting a girl who'd witnessed a mob hit and he got attacked by this mob enforcer that used like half of one of those big saw blades with a handhold cut into the middle. He was horribly hurt, and I got there way too late. It was just horrible.

Sometimes it's hard to have interesting dreams.

bardkris @ 2009-10-23T12:14:00

2009-10-23T17:16:08Z

Someone stole my mom's email address this morning. With some quick manuevering, I retrieved it after only a single attempt to get my mom's friend's to send money to someplace in England. Still, what the fuck, right?

Also, I got a call in class and I had forgotten to turn off the phone, so while I wrestled with the phone to get it to shut up, I answered and hung up on the call. The number (I tried later to call back) was disconnected. The number is apparently in Mississippi. Hope it's not one of my old friends in trouble. Still... Weird.

bardkris @ 2009-10-21T21:55:00

2009-10-22T03:00:58Z

Following Kit's example, I took the fabled Proust Questionnaire (http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/proust-questionnaire) .

Comparison's to famous people:

Martin Scorsese 89.81
Julia Child 86.93
Oscar de la Renta 71.82
Karl Rove 34.51
Nora Ephron 10
Bill O'Reilly 10
Arnold Schwarzenegger 10
Alan Ginsberg 8.33

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-21T01:58:20Z

It's almost time. Kit's been talking about it a while, but I just caught the bug. Last year, I got depressed halfway through because people kept comparing my novel to Left Behind... even if it was a favorable comparison, it was still depressing. Anyway, this year I'm going to write the novel with no care to whether it will be published or not. I'm just going to write the damn thing. Even though the idea has become a bit trendy since I came up with it, I'm writing it.

Anyone else doing National Novel Writing Month?

I wish I could talk some sense into my town.

2009-10-15T16:22:22Z

So... the president is coming tomorrow... and the people who got us on national news at election time for their racist bullshit are going to be protesting a thing he's showing up at to forward public service. Yup... people are protesting helping people. I have rarely been so ashamed of where I live.

Right now, mostly.

2009-10-13T08:53:14Z

I talked to someone who didn't understand today, and it was good. Sometimes it's good to be around someone who's still awed by all the shit I've been through and all the weird ways my life chooses to manifest the strangeness of the world.

I've been sort of messed up over how much the Divine, however one might wish to name it, chooses to interfere directly in my life. I've realized Its part in this most recent cataclysmic (to my life, at least) event and understand the reasoning. She moves in mysterious ways. The recent consolation I've come up with is that even though I'm a pawn of a greater power, at least I'm a pawn of something interesting. Lots of people are pawns of their parents, their jobs, their schools, or their chosen cult (religious, military, political). At least mine is an entertaining master and at least I can see the effects of my work in the world around me.

Most recently, I've felt frustrated at a metaphysical thing. I've worked some to 'prevent' certain things from happening. Usually, it's just a feeling and then I work to shift things to happen a certain way. A lot of people probably think it's in my head, and while that's certainly a possibility, I really don't have any doubts. There's been enough collective evidence for me that it's really much harder to believe I'm not affected so. The only thing that bothers me with prevention is that there's not much to show for it. If you succeed in preventing someone from going down the road to ruin, the only thing you have to show for it is that they didn't go down it ... this time. And so a lot of my work seems illusory after the fact. I know it's there, but no one else really does.

It all mostly adds up to a feeling of loneliness. Don't get me wrong... I'm not really alone. There's Kit, who is most definitely fantastic, a life partner without peer. There's Travis, my hetero lifemate and basically the Sancho Panza to my ever present Don Quixote. Even my recent closeness with my mom has been quite pleasant, but even with a few friends I'm still feeling alone. I already had a number of metaphysical distances from people I knew. I already had the absolute certainty in the divine completely separating me from most non-lunatics. School is full of people who are... mostly less than me. I would have hated myself for saying that not too long ago, but they're less not intrinsically, but because they choose to be. They choose to be lazy, they choose to be stupid. A long time ago, I felt empowered some when I was around people who weren't as smart as I am. Now it just makes me depressed.

School is prgressing. Work is finally good at the manager level, but now I'm having subordinate issues. Home is mostly good, though there are looming issues in the 'repair' area.

I'll live. Love you all, even if you don't hear me anymore.

A piece of pretty.

2009-09-29T14:40:39Z

So... I'm taking an astrophysics course. It's taught by a Doctor of Physics by the name of Freeman. If you don't know, the primary character of the video game Half-Life is a Physicisy by the name of Dr. Freeman. It's been a point of personal joy between me and Kit since we started the class. We make Half-Life jokes about him and it's awesome.

Yesterday, I told him about the other Dr. Freeman and the physics engine of the HalfLife games and more specifically, I talked up Portal. He'd never heard of it. Kit was saying beforehand that he was certain to have had geeky gameplaying students that would have told him about the whole 'Dr. Freeman' thing and the physics engine of Portal. He was unaware and said that he plays video games. He's going to check them out. He also teaches regular physics. I wouldn't be surprised if Portal changed his curriculum a little. I always feel awesome when I affect a teacher, not only because I love exchange, but because the best teachers learn and teach. And it's soooo cool.

This was poorly told. Still, awesome. Thanks, guys.

Sooo much going on.

2009-09-26T01:48:12Z

Weirdly enough, school and work has mostly been enough to steal my time. I still miss having regular friends, but I almost don't have time for them anyway.

Despite that lack of time, trying to build up a friendbase. I'm pretty sure my attempt at movie night this weekend is going to be mostly a bust, but for the few who have said they'll be there, I'm still doing it.

Work has been hard, but hopefully my replacement of one of the problem members of my crew will make it less of a problem in the future. Yay, optimism! School is mostly good. I'm up way too late on MW, but I'll fix that next semester. Astrophysics has been pretty awesome, and I'm actually looking forward to checking out one of those huge telescopes for my 'service learning project'. Writing has suffered in the specific, but ideas are all still there, and I'm still working on how to tell the stories that already exist in my head. Had a few major breakthroughs there.

Really really could use some more people in my life. It's not really so much a lament as a realization. I'm used to more than a few friends. I'm hungry for it. I should make time. There are interesting people. I just need to make time.

Oh, well. At least I'm being productive.

Work

2009-09-09T16:33:08Z

Work has kept me incredibly busy these last few weeks. The rest of my life is going in a steadily upward direction, generally.

I am becoming increasingly aware of the sacrifices I'm required to make for my new position. When I was working low on the totem pole, I was allowed to have ethics that were my own. I don't really consider myself a 'moral' person, as I'm not particularly inherently good nor do I subscribe to a particular code (that is not of my own devising), but I do attempt to hold myself to an ethical code... a set of rules not dictated by 'good' or 'right', but by their efficiency and correctness. There's a big difference between 'right' and 'correct' in my mind, but that's a whole other conversation.

Anyway, despite the fact that I got a huge raise and am making more money than I've made in my life, I'm seriously considering seeking alternative employment. I won't find another job like this. Hell, this job was made for me. But when money comes over the equality of the rights of our guests and also over people's potential safety, that's when I rethink things. I take my own responsibility for the hotels overnight very seriously.

There is another option, though I'm not sure I would be able to do it, especially in the long term. I could stop trying so hard. I could start treating this like 'just a job' and do the bare minimum, and not really take it personally when my managers are sneaky cheating conniving money-grubbing assholes. Sadly, my respect for my direct supervisor is also waning, as he seems unwilling to stand up to... well, anyone. Oh, well. My life is mostly good. I just wish my beliefs weren't being challenged so at work. I was already forced to reconsider three deeply held beliefs this year. Isn't that enough?

Also, your mother is fantastic in the sack.

Love.

I know this means something, but I'm not sure what.

2009-08-23T07:45:23Z

I was just reading something on the internet when I realized my naked dreams are backwards from other people. Not sex dreams, naked dreams. According to lore I have no way of verifying, lots of people have dreams in which they are doing something they are nervous about, usually some sort of public speaking, and then someone points out that they are naked or in underwear or something, and they suddenly realize they are, and everyone starts laughing (or something). Anyway, for most people, supposedly, they don't realize they are naked until someone point it out (like not falling until you look down, a la Looney Tunes).

Mine are backwards. I spend an entire dream acutely aware of my nakedness, trying to hide behind things, find clothes, etc, but no one seems to notice. Everyone interacts with me as if everything is normal. I'll be at work or at school or whatever, and I'll be trying to hide the fact that I'm naked and people don't even seem to notice. But then someone notices, and they just kind of treat me like I just got undressed while they were turned around and that I'm creepy.

I'm sure this means something, but I just don't know what.

Also, work sucks incredibly hard. I'm a terrible burden on Kit, who desperately tries to be helpful despite my snarlyness, and I'm super-frustrated. It will get better. I'm certain of this, but it's hard to clench my teeth in the now, even knowing that.

A little weirded out.

2009-08-20T03:46:28Z

My dreams had a weird sprinkling of political figures today.

The first one was ok, if weird. Barack Obama joined my gaming group, and not in an 'Al Gore - I'm a tenth level vice-president' kind of way. He was totally into it, and the secret service kept trying to help him play and he was getting pissed. And then Michelle Obama kept insisting Warhammer had a better system. It was pretty weird.

Then, somehow, I had Glen Beck trying to seduce me to Christianity with a bevy of teenage christian girls at a weird rally. He was reasonably friendly, kept trying to tell me jokes but kept trailing off at the end, like he really wanted to be friends, but realized all of his jokes were offensive. The last 'innormatives' (what he was calling me, I guess) were like plaster. I never got the punchline because Summer kept interrupting. I have no idea what he was going to say.

Love and hate.

2009-08-14T07:46:12Z

Supervillain essay 2.

Many people think that love and hate are mutually exclusive, that they are opposites. This simply isn't the case. As a matter of fact, the two are so similar, it's sometimes hard to distinguish between the two at all. I know this is obvious for many of you out there, but bear with me.

Both require tremendous amounts of energy and investment. Both require a rather extreme focus, generally on a specific person or group of people. Both are generally long term feelings that refuse to fade long after any reason for having them.

Actually, the two generally are easier when they go together, like two flavors that compliment each other. I don't mean to say that one should love and hate the same person, although that does happen fairly often. More, I think it's easier to love a person if you hate something about them. It can be something as simple as their taste in clothing or music, or something as complex as their relationship with their family or their image of themselves. There is nothing like hating an aspect of a person that will make you passionately love some other aspect of them. I don't know if it's because they are more humanized to you or because hatred and love just go so well together.

So... I guess 'love the sinner, hate the sin'.

I guess, though I don't know how much of this is useful in practice, that one could also love a certain group more by hating another group. I've heard tell of supremacist groups like that, and a few of the dispossessed I've know have said something like this. Still, most people I know who try to hate do it as foolishly and haphazardly as others love. People do not hate well.

A stupid person I used to know said one smart thing in the entire time I knew him. At this point, I'm certain he was quoting something. It was "You should never kill your enemies. You invest too much in them."

I think the thing that most bothers me about hating and loving is how poorly they are executed. Love is a glorious thing, and wonderful, but most people don't think about it, don't do it well. They are haphazard in their application of love, withholding it for no reason and applying a conditional aspect to something that truly is without condition.

*sigh* I've gone on way too long. Maybe I'll try to refine this thought later.