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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bardkris' LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 23rd, 2012
6:22 am
Why my facebook icon is Rufio.
So... Rufio is a character from Hook. Lots of people hated Hook, and there were some things to hate. Kinda hated how they did Tinkerbell, and Robin Williams mugged just a bit too much, and the kids, especially the girl were just a little too precious, but I still really loved the movie.

Especially some of the horrible parts.

Rufio is the character that took over after Peter Pan abandoned the Lost Boys. We don't know if he's the first person who took over, but we do know he's been in charge a while, if only from the ridiculous deference granted to him by the other boys. It has got to be fucking hard to keep a bunch of boys who don't age occupied. Dante Basco, voice of Prince Zuko from Avatar, is kind of perfect in his portrayal of a boy desperate for authority and unaware of how to really get it. Instead, he tries to be the coolest of a group of boys who suddenly have the coolest boy back in town.

Rufio has daddy issues. His death scene is trite, but it still kills me every time. It gives us a tiny window into how fucked up his life was before Neverland, but it also tells us the most important part, the part that the movie never explicitly says. None of the Lost Boys can fly.

That's what makes Peter Pan so special. He's the only one who can fly. None of the other Lost Boys really have Happy Thoughts, no matter what they tell you. It's not a matter of not enough pixie dust. They play, but the Lost Boys aren't happy. They can't forger enough to be as happy as Peter Pan, and Rufio is a perfect example. He's not a happy kid. He's full of anger and even hate for the man whose come in and upset his perfect world. He will never fly. He's too damaged.

And I understand that completely.
Sunday, August 19th, 2012
3:10 am
Famine or feast.
Seems like that's my way. I can survive famine. Gods know I have so far. I guess I'm always just surprised to go back to feast.

I have spent the last several years in a loving relationship. But it wasn't really a romance or anything. Ok... it was for me, some of the time. Maybe most of the time. But it was mostly just being best friends with someone and occasionally awkwardly trying to have sex with them.

Add to that the fact that I became a hermit when I was in the relationship, because when you love someone, sometimes it crowds out other people.

Cue this summer. Two of the people I cared about most in the world drastically changed their roles in my life. Kit became my best friend, and Travis became not.

So... I've been trying to try new things. Trying to figure my shit out. And making new friends. Sure, it's probably creepy because many of them are significantly younger than me, but it's a shared interest thing, and most people my age are boring or starting to become one-adjective people, which if I've never ranted at you about before, SUCK. So... here I am, with friends, and being able to actually touch people again without feeling like a complete creeper or like I'm cheating on someone, and it's great. Like, really great. My need for food and sleep are reduced, and I just feel really good being able to love and be loved. It's kind of super exciting.

Sure, there's a whole other kettle of fish in which I now have to worry about significantly more people's social boundaries, and that's terrifying as fuck, but I'll deal with it. Growth is never without danger. So, there, bitches.
2:54 am
So... reconsidering returning to LJ.
Maybe it's because there's so many long winded thoughts, or maybe it's because I just have so much here already, or maybe it's because I feel so sickeningly banal on Facebook.

I'm not going to make any promises or anything, but it's where I'm at, I guess.

Plus, this thing's basically anonymous at this point. Who do I know who uses LJ anymore?
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011
12:34 am
Trying to be good.
Sorry.

Anyway, was going through weird past things on here the last few days because I was looking for a story to share with a friend. It's always weird when people actually like my writing.

Wow. Ok, that sounds all full of myself and stuff and drama-y, but it does generally surprise me. It makes me feel good and happy and want to question them in that horrible childlike way... "What did you like about it?" etc., but it also still surprises me on a pretty personal level.

But it's especially weird to me to have a record of the ridiculous crap I was going through and the ridiculous ways I was dealing with it. I know lots of journal people, but I have never been a journal person. I can think of at least half a dozen friends who kept copious and sometimes ridiculous levels of paper journals, but I had a lot of spirals... with maybe a dozen pages of thoughts and easily ten times that of random drawings, school notes, or notes from the RPG I was playing at the time. So it's weird being able to look back at a younger me and shake my head.

I'm really happy to be who I am. I'm really happy about the way my life has gone, even the sucky parts. I'm really happy to know who I know and occasionally even to not have to know who I no longer do. I don't miss very many of the 'friends' who aren't friends anymore. I miss spending time with the friends who just happen to not be available, but most of the people who 'aren't friends anymore', there's very definite reasons, and only like one of the ones I actually miss is my fault.

Also, I've accepted thing that I never thought I would. And I'm excited about things I never thought I would. And I resent things I never thought I would. I never thought that a friend getting an easy ride to my dream job would bother me. It just never crossed my mind. I never thought I'd be excited to go to days, or that I'd actually get to teach... for real. I never thought I could be ok with not giving my best on an essay or report... and not care. It's weird. It's very weird, but I love it.

And everyone out there. Still. Live velveteen rabbits and singular roses.
Monday, March 28th, 2011
4:33 pm
Eschatology
So... I know it's absolutely ridiculous and horrible, but when I think about it, it would be absolutely amazing if the world really did end.

Caution: this is interesting, but becomes almost political at the end. SorryRead more...Collapse )

Irony died a while back, and we should have taken the hint. We're doomed. I feel fine. Excited, even. I hope my death is glorious and before the food riots.

Next post, maybe: Meat is delicious murder. I'm back, LJ.
Thursday, March 24th, 2011
2:59 am
So... told a friend I'd come back to LJ.
There's like fifteen things I've been meaning to write here, but so much has been going on in my life, I've settled for the easy and shallow updatability of facebook.

So... some thought to return with? Most things are 'still's for me. I'm still occasionally worried I might be a robot. I'm still pretty sure most of the people I know are good people trying to be bad while I'm a bad person trying to be good. I still know I've made horrible mistakes and have no avenue to make them right to the people most affected. I still love very hard, with people I love being worn roughly by my love. I still desperately want to teach.

Mostly I miss LJ for the near-anonymity, I suppose. I could talk about things here and never really worry that 'untrusted' people could see them. I put on a pretty arrogant face for the world, and my overcompensation can be lowered a bit here. An old girlfriend once told me "Your life never changes," and maybe it doesn't. I'm pretty happy with a slowly increasing curve of awesomeness. I really do love my life, even the parts that suck, and I wouldn't change it. I'm earning things for myself, and they mean more because of it.

I want to revisit some of my old writings here one of these days. I'm going to try to return to LJ, though I doubt I'll give up on the minute accessibility of the FB. I owe this place a lot.

I love you all, like singular roses and velveteen rabbits.
Sunday, November 28th, 2010
11:38 pm
Dear God, it's been forever since I wrote.
I'm finishing my first semester as a real english major now. It's been crazy busy, but I've made some actual friends in class which I haven't done since... well, since high school. I'm not going to win NaNoWriMo, but I am going to finish my book by years end. I got a kick ass raise, which is good, because it looks like Kit's new boss is going to make her quit with his ridiculous demands.

Finally, I've decided to succumb, just like I did when I accepted that I need a cel phone. I'm going to make a facebook account. You win, social networking.

I love all of you guys. Sorry I've been so ridiculously busy. You all know how to get in touch. I'll make time for you.
Sunday, October 10th, 2010
2:22 am
So... update?
Things are mostly pretty great.

Work mostly loves me and finds me awesome, so looking like a decent raise is coming. School is mostly working fine, though I'm actually having to work for once. Possibly getting involved in the Pagan group at Sam, though they are very young and at that point where they get lesbianism confused with misandry, friendship confused with sex, and a little bit of knowledge confused with wisdom. So we'll see. Love having a gaming group again, though they are all newbies, so I'm likely to be running for quite some time and not playing. Zak has been hit with a sudden desire for my company, so we've been playing 360 together. Writing has been rather awesome.

Oh, yeah. Found a word that summed up my relationship with Misty all those years ago. I knew there was one. It's Cicisbeo.

Um, tons of stuff going on. I should really get my thoughts together before I hit this bitch. Oh, well. Mostly good. We'll see later, I suppose.

Love.
Saturday, September 25th, 2010
1:22 pm
Yesterday
Sucked so hard. It was so long I can't even talk about it. The end result was getting lost in Ft Worth, but there is something that makes it worth it. The barbecue in the stockyards is like kissing God on the mouth if he'd just messily eaten a delicious beef rib.

In this case, God is a dude to make those of you in my friends list who like to see dudes make out. Also, imagine someone other than me, someone really hot... like Alexander Skarsgaard.
Monday, September 13th, 2010
3:59 pm
Revelation.
Conservationists can't believe in eschatology. That's why most hardcore conservationists are atheists or pagans.

It's really much easier to believe in doom than keep the earth turning.
Friday, August 27th, 2010
2:06 am
Quite possibly...
the first and last time I will ever be referred to as "too noble for my own good." Of all the myriad good and bad qualities I am known and rumored to possess, I think noble is pretty close to the bottom.
12:46 am
I'm not sure what to do.
Arabic scares me. The class for it, I mean. The guy teaching it is from the Fullbright commission and he's used to teaching people who speak Arabic English, but his english is a pretty broken and he said one of my warning phrases last class. (Warning phrases: when someone says a phrase that warns you of some major problem in future discussions. Examples include "I'm not racist, but...", "Everyone has rights, but...", "You people..." and "This is obvious. How are you not getting this?" the last one especially from a teacher.) I have nothing against said teacher and will see if he gives me any further warning phrases today. If he does, I may drop the class. That's the other thing. Almost everyone in the class is taking it because they are military or want to be law enforcement or FBI. I'm a little interested in the language, but... am I interested enough to want to take the class with a bunch of people who want it so they can 'enforce' their agenda. Hearing a few of them talking before and after class was kind of scary and frustrating.

I'm also a little worried about my motivations for taking arabic. All the 'sensible' people in my life said, "Wouldn't you rather maybe take something more familiar? You already know some German," and that is true, and it made me want to take arabic more. Still, since my primary goal is getting through frigging school so I can be a damn teacher already, maybe I should take the easy less scenic route. I feel like my career (similar to 'biological') clock is ticking and I want to be doing my real job... answer my calling, you know? I worry sometimes that I'm too old to just be starting teaching, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.

Here's the deal, though. Travis reminded me that I could co-enroll at Blinn and take my foreign languages there if they transfer. On the one hand, that sounds awesome, because Blinn is much cheaper, but I also worry that I'm excited about it because it means I can go back somewhere familiar. So... if it comes to that... what should I do? I guess I've got the weekend to decide.

Love.
Thursday, August 26th, 2010
12:29 am
Sam Houston (not the dude).
It’s so weird going to a real school. Don’t get me wrong, Blinn helped me out a lot. The low tuition and awesome teachers slumming it helped me a great deal. I got core complete and saved a boatload of cash on my Associates. Still, aside from traffic, I have to say that SHSU is amazing. The campus police were polite and helpful (I went to look into a parking tag, before you make accusations) the advisors knew what they were talking about. The teachers were specific and straightforward and their attendence policy, the bane of my Blinn existance, makes ten times more sense.

Class minutiae (Arabic, AmLit 1, Britlit 1) Read more...Collapse )

Just had some disturbing news. I'll write more later. Gotta go. Love.
Saturday, August 7th, 2010
11:26 am
Just barely stopped myself from playing StarCraft 2 all day.
But I've got to work, and I'm not as young as I used to be... or am I? Also having promised to boardgame and amtgard tomorrow, I should probably get some rest.

Love.
Friday, August 6th, 2010
2:45 am
Even though it's not really over...
Not even a little.

I can still be filled with joy on the latest Prop 8 overturn news, right? I can still be almost in tears about how happy I am that at least some people are reasonable and good and smart enough to defend reason and goodness, right? Right?

Love.
Thursday, August 5th, 2010
12:50 am
In other news...
Life is rife with possibilities of being awesome. Still, I choose to wax thoughtful tonight rather than giving updates on personal stuff.

Had weird dreams recently. There were also two budding stories there. Some of the first original ideas of had in a while. My mind has been so focused on problem solving and the mundane that I've had very little energy to devote to story writing of any sort.

One was about a social positioning system... something like a GPS, but given a culture and situation, it would advise you on the proper course of action to avoid giving offense and allow one to proceed carefully through an unfamiliar culture. It's an idea I'd thought of before, but this was the first time I'd had it featured in a dream.

The second was a whole world dream. It was vaguely high tech urban sprawl kind of dream, with a very japanese kid superhero vibe to it, but with all the tropes turned sideways. I think I'm going to see if it works as short stories before I try to make a major story out of it.

I know there are webcomics. Are there webstories or are they simply represented as fanfiction and blogs?

Love.
12:40 am
Notes to racists in my lobby.
If you have to preface a sentence with "I'm not a racist, but..." you're probably not only a racist, but about to say something racist. Also, having any sort of racial slur in the following sentence should remove any ounce of doubt from your mind that you are indeed a racist.
Thursday, July 29th, 2010
2:07 am
Scheduled entry. 7/29
So... I just finished an entry about my last week at work, and it was a major downer. So I made it private and am going to now post a more positive one.

Met some interesting people two Sundays back and played board games with them. While we were sadly unable to meet this weekend, I still have high hopes for future interaction.

Kit is feeling much better with infusions of iron and while we still have a looming beast this next week to face, hopes are generally high across and around the board. Teh yay.

Very stimulated books and video games wise, and Travis has been making Kit and I go back and watch 80s movies he or we all missed. Scheduled in the near future: Moonwalker, Xanadu, and The Ninja Mission. That last one, if you've never heard of it, is one of Sweden's highest grossing movie, ever, and it features the CIA, KGB, and ninjas. It's filmed entirely in Sweden, except for the parts of the movie that take place in Sweden, which are filmed in Norway. I know. It sounds awesome.

Work is beating me down, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to get the ducks in a row before school as I'm going to have to commute over an hour each way.

There's more to say, but hopefully later tonight will be quieter.

Love
Friday, July 23rd, 2010
4:09 am
Unnatural?
I'm so sick of people insisting that because they can't or choose not to do something, it is unnatural. I can't roll my tongue. That's not unnatural. Unnatural is such a fucking cop out anyway.

Also, monogamy may not be your choice, but that doesn't make it unnatural.

Grrr. This is not directed at friends. Dan Savage's column is usually uplifting, but people tossing around trigger words like that just frustrate the hell out of me.
Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
4:14 pm
Productive but busy.
I have a new reminder system to remind me to read and write in here. I really do need a place to write and later revisit those writings and I think LJ is it. Most of my 'friends' from here have already gone their way, either moving to different blogging sites or simply to different parts of their lives and I don't begrudge them.

Still, I prefer this place to facebook or myspace or any of that. Update post follows, for those interested.

Read more...Collapse )

Love.
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