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bardkris' LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, November 17th, 2009 | | 2:27 pm |
Man, this fall has been busy.
It's about halfway through Nanowrimo, and I'm about 5,000 words short so far. Still, 22,000 is more writing than I've sat down and done on any one project that I can think of, so there's that. The book is turning out pretty well, though I have to keep skipping around to keep it interesting (to write). I'll probably reorder it when I edit. Classes are all going pretty good for once. I've got two high Bs and one A, and I might be able to turn those Bs into As if I keep at it the whole semester. I've got a 3.4 GPA and only need 2 more classes that I'm taking in the Spring to finally be done with the Associates. Yes, I'm terribly old to only be that far, but I've made my mistakes when I was young enough to enjoy them and haven't made too terribly many (school wise) in the last few years. Now that I have a 'real job', I'm going to transfer to a four year school, probably Sam Houston, and start working on my dream job of being a high school teacher. The classes this semester have been both empowering and depressing. It's weird. I had kind of stopped thinking of myself as 'smart' and started thinking of myself as perceptive, but I am smarter than some people. Not going to let it go to my head, though. Thanks to mom, I have a new roof, which is a major load off my mind. I wish all the problems with the house were so easily fixed, but I know eventually, this will all be done, and having such a major one crossed off makes me feel better. Wish that I could communicate better with her, as most of our problems are based off that, it seems. I don't think anyone likes to be told that they are saying one thing and doing another, though, so that probably fucks with it, too. May see of anyone wants to look at my 'book' when I'm done. It won't be 'finished', of course, till NaNoEdMo, but... it's an interesting story so far. Love you all, like singular roses and velveteen rabbits. I apologize for my absence. Just been super busy and likely to remain that way through November. | | Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 | | 7:47 pm |
| | Sunday, October 25th, 2009 | | 6:42 pm |
Had a really gruesome dream.
It was about some golden age 1920s superheroes. One of them was formerly in a bad guy team, but he had reformed and was fighting those really bad mobs from that time period. The other one, my perspective, was a heroine whose main task it was to clean up and patch up the heroes so that they could survive their often horrible wounds, but also to make certain no matter how they died, that their spirits passed pure into the next world. The reformed guy was protecting a girl who'd witnessed a mob hit and he got attacked by this mob enforcer that used like half of one of those big saw blades with a handhold cut into the middle. He was horribly hurt, and I got there way too late. It was just horrible. Sometimes it's hard to have interesting dreams. | | Friday, October 23rd, 2009 | | 12:14 pm |
Someone stole my mom's email address this morning. With some quick manuevering, I retrieved it after only a single attempt to get my mom's friend's to send money to someplace in England. Still, what the fuck, right? Also, I got a call in class and I had forgotten to turn off the phone, so while I wrestled with the phone to get it to shut up, I answered and hung up on the call. The number (I tried later to call back) was disconnected. The number is apparently in Mississippi. Hope it's not one of my old friends in trouble. Still... Weird. | | Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 | | 9:55 pm |
| | Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 | | 8:55 pm |
NaNoWriMo
It's almost time. Kit's been talking about it a while, but I just caught the bug. Last year, I got depressed halfway through because people kept comparing my novel to Left Behind... even if it was a favorable comparison, it was still depressing. Anyway, this year I'm going to write the novel with no care to whether it will be published or not. I'm just going to write the damn thing. Even though the idea has become a bit trendy since I came up with it, I'm writing it. Anyone else doing National Novel Writing Month? | | Thursday, October 15th, 2009 | | 11:20 am |
I wish I could talk some sense into my town.
So... the president is coming tomorrow... and the people who got us on national news at election time for their racist bullshit are going to be protesting a thing he's showing up at to forward public service. Yup... people are protesting helping people. I have rarely been so ashamed of where I live. | | Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 | | 3:37 am |
Right now, mostly.
I talked to someone who didn't understand today, and it was good. Sometimes it's good to be around someone who's still awed by all the shit I've been through and all the weird ways my life chooses to manifest the strangeness of the world. I've been sort of messed up over how much the Divine, however one might wish to name it, chooses to interfere directly in my life. I've realized Its part in this most recent cataclysmic (to my life, at least) event and understand the reasoning. She moves in mysterious ways. The recent consolation I've come up with is that even though I'm a pawn of a greater power, at least I'm a pawn of something interesting. Lots of people are pawns of their parents, their jobs, their schools, or their chosen cult (religious, military, political). At least mine is an entertaining master and at least I can see the effects of my work in the world around me. Most recently, I've felt frustrated at a metaphysical thing. I've worked some to 'prevent' certain things from happening. Usually, it's just a feeling and then I work to shift things to happen a certain way. A lot of people probably think it's in my head, and while that's certainly a possibility, I really don't have any doubts. There's been enough collective evidence for me that it's really much harder to believe I'm not affected so. The only thing that bothers me with prevention is that there's not much to show for it. If you succeed in preventing someone from going down the road to ruin, the only thing you have to show for it is that they didn't go down it ... this time. And so a lot of my work seems illusory after the fact. I know it's there, but no one else really does. It all mostly adds up to a feeling of loneliness. Don't get me wrong... I'm not really alone. There's Kit, who is most definitely fantastic, a life partner without peer. There's Travis, my hetero lifemate and basically the Sancho Panza to my ever present Don Quixote. Even my recent closeness with my mom has been quite pleasant, but even with a few friends I'm still feeling alone. I already had a number of metaphysical distances from people I knew. I already had the absolute certainty in the divine completely separating me from most non-lunatics. School is full of people who are... mostly less than me. I would have hated myself for saying that not too long ago, but they're less not intrinsically, but because they choose to be. They choose to be lazy, they choose to be stupid. A long time ago, I felt empowered some when I was around people who weren't as smart as I am. Now it just makes me depressed. School is prgressing. Work is finally good at the manager level, but now I'm having subordinate issues. Home is mostly good, though there are looming issues in the 'repair' area. I'll live. Love you all, even if you don't hear me anymore. | | Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 | | 9:31 am |
A piece of pretty.
So... I'm taking an astrophysics course. It's taught by a Doctor of Physics by the name of Freeman. If you don't know, the primary character of the video game Half-Life is a Physicisy by the name of Dr. Freeman. It's been a point of personal joy between me and Kit since we started the class. We make Half-Life jokes about him and it's awesome. Yesterday, I told him about the other Dr. Freeman and the physics engine of the HalfLife games and more specifically, I talked up Portal. He'd never heard of it. Kit was saying beforehand that he was certain to have had geeky gameplaying students that would have told him about the whole 'Dr. Freeman' thing and the physics engine of Portal. He was unaware and said that he plays video games. He's going to check them out. He also teaches regular physics. I wouldn't be surprised if Portal changed his curriculum a little. I always feel awesome when I affect a teacher, not only because I love exchange, but because the best teachers learn and teach. And it's soooo cool. This was poorly told. Still, awesome. Thanks, guys. | | Friday, September 25th, 2009 | | 8:41 pm |
Sooo much going on.
Weirdly enough, school and work has mostly been enough to steal my time. I still miss having regular friends, but I almost don't have time for them anyway. Despite that lack of time, trying to build up a friendbase. I'm pretty sure my attempt at movie night this weekend is going to be mostly a bust, but for the few who have said they'll be there, I'm still doing it. Work has been hard, but hopefully my replacement of one of the problem members of my crew will make it less of a problem in the future. Yay, optimism! School is mostly good. I'm up way too late on MW, but I'll fix that next semester. Astrophysics has been pretty awesome, and I'm actually looking forward to checking out one of those huge telescopes for my 'service learning project'. Writing has suffered in the specific, but ideas are all still there, and I'm still working on how to tell the stories that already exist in my head. Had a few major breakthroughs there. Really really could use some more people in my life. It's not really so much a lament as a realization. I'm used to more than a few friends. I'm hungry for it. I should make time. There are interesting people. I just need to make time. Oh, well. At least I'm being productive. | | Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 | | 11:22 am |
Work
Work has kept me incredibly busy these last few weeks. The rest of my life is going in a steadily upward direction, generally. I am becoming increasingly aware of the sacrifices I'm required to make for my new position. When I was working low on the totem pole, I was allowed to have ethics that were my own. I don't really consider myself a 'moral' person, as I'm not particularly inherently good nor do I subscribe to a particular code (that is not of my own devising), but I do attempt to hold myself to an ethical code... a set of rules not dictated by 'good' or 'right', but by their efficiency and correctness. There's a big difference between 'right' and 'correct' in my mind, but that's a whole other conversation. Anyway, despite the fact that I got a huge raise and am making more money than I've made in my life, I'm seriously considering seeking alternative employment. I won't find another job like this. Hell, this job was made for me. But when money comes over the equality of the rights of our guests and also over people's potential safety, that's when I rethink things. I take my own responsibility for the hotels overnight very seriously. There is another option, though I'm not sure I would be able to do it, especially in the long term. I could stop trying so hard. I could start treating this like 'just a job' and do the bare minimum, and not really take it personally when my managers are sneaky cheating conniving money-grubbing assholes. Sadly, my respect for my direct supervisor is also waning, as he seems unwilling to stand up to... well, anyone. Oh, well. My life is mostly good. I just wish my beliefs weren't being challenged so at work. I was already forced to reconsider three deeply held beliefs this year. Isn't that enough? Also, your mother is fantastic in the sack. Love. | | Sunday, August 23rd, 2009 | | 2:35 am |
I know this means something, but I'm not sure what.
I was just reading something on the internet when I realized my naked dreams are backwards from other people. Not sex dreams, naked dreams. According to lore I have no way of verifying, lots of people have dreams in which they are doing something they are nervous about, usually some sort of public speaking, and then someone points out that they are naked or in underwear or something, and they suddenly realize they are, and everyone starts laughing (or something). Anyway, for most people, supposedly, they don't realize they are naked until someone point it out (like not falling until you look down, a la Looney Tunes). Mine are backwards. I spend an entire dream acutely aware of my nakedness, trying to hide behind things, find clothes, etc, but no one seems to notice. Everyone interacts with me as if everything is normal. I'll be at work or at school or whatever, and I'll be trying to hide the fact that I'm naked and people don't even seem to notice. But then someone notices, and they just kind of treat me like I just got undressed while they were turned around and that I'm creepy. I'm sure this means something, but I just don't know what. Also, work sucks incredibly hard. I'm a terrible burden on Kit, who desperately tries to be helpful despite my snarlyness, and I'm super-frustrated. It will get better. I'm certain of this, but it's hard to clench my teeth in the now, even knowing that. | | Wednesday, August 19th, 2009 | | 10:41 pm |
A little weirded out.
My dreams had a weird sprinkling of political figures today. The first one was ok, if weird. Barack Obama joined my gaming group, and not in an 'Al Gore - I'm a tenth level vice-president' kind of way. He was totally into it, and the secret service kept trying to help him play and he was getting pissed. And then Michelle Obama kept insisting Warhammer had a better system. It was pretty weird. Then, somehow, I had Glen Beck trying to seduce me to Christianity with a bevy of teenage christian girls at a weird rally. He was reasonably friendly, kept trying to tell me jokes but kept trailing off at the end, like he really wanted to be friends, but realized all of his jokes were offensive. The last 'innormatives' (what he was calling me, I guess) were like plaster. I never got the punchline because Summer kept interrupting. I have no idea what he was going to say. | | Friday, August 14th, 2009 | | 1:58 am |
Love and hate.
Supervillain essay 2. Many people think that love and hate are mutually exclusive, that they are opposites. ( Read more... )*sigh* I've gone on way too long. Maybe I'll try to refine this thought later. | | Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 | | 3:40 am |
Sadly very late, but still interesting.
I didn't see that any of my friends posted this. THE WHITE HOUSE Office of the Press Secretary ________________________________________ ___________________ For Immediate Release June 1, 2009 LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, AND TRANSGENDER PRIDE MONTH, 2009 ( Read more... )IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-third. BARACK OBAMA | | 3:22 am |
| | 3:14 am |
Reinvention.
I'm beginning to notice a rather extreme pattern in my life. Almost every four years (going back even to my conception), something happens to me and I am forced to reinvent myself. It happened at 3, 7, 11, 15, 19, 23, 27, and now at 31. I generally lose something very important to me and have to compensate, thus recreating my world view. Usually that's a girlfriend. Something severe and traumatic (and life-changing) has happened on each of those years. It's usually just when I'm getting comfortable with my last re-creation, too. This time, it's the loss of a friendgroup that had become super important to me. I have since realized a few things that make it hard to regret the situation that caused me to lose that friendgroup, but I am now having to reinvent myself again. Some things are obvious changes. I have reconsidered some life-long beliefs and found them not so abhorent as they used to be. I find I must accept them, at least logically. Others are less obvious and more derivative. Aaaaaanyway, I'm going to acknowledge a part of my self I have often attempted to deny in my attempt to be a 'good person'. I have often had what I call a 'supervillain' mentality, and it makes more and more sense to me. I'm going to be writing some 'supervillain' essays here. Thanks for listening. | | Sunday, August 9th, 2009 | | 2:06 am |
If there is anything I like less than cleaning up after drunks, I don't know what it is. Addendum: There is one thing less. Listening to people say 'sorry about the mess' as they go to make another one nearby. | | Monday, August 3rd, 2009 | | 4:49 pm |
Differences and similarities between me and skeptics I know.
First off, I know I've been posting a lot lately. I will not be surprised or upset if I'm removed from some friends' lists as a result. I'm going through a mental and vaguely spiritual rebirth, as I am wont to do every so often, usually when I lose a partner, but it's always a messy process. This time I just happened to hold on to the partner through the rebirth. Anyway, I'm trying to muse more here than not here, mostly because I have fewer people to muse to outside of here. Every skeptic I know finds me exhausting. I have to admit that some of this is intentional. ( Read more... )Love like that given velveteen rabbits. | | 3:51 pm |
Thoughtful
Lots of books make me feel thoughtful, but three specifically, no matter how I'm feeling before I pick them up, send me into full-on philosopher mode. They are, in no particular order Douglas and Hofstadters' "Godel, Escher, Bach", Chuck Klosterman's "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", and the Illuminatus Trilogy (counts as one, because I've only ever had copies of the omnibus). I can pick up any of these, open to a random page, and be given something to think about for a long while afterward. It's weird. I wonder what that says about me? |
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